I just recently got out of my second significant relationship. It ended when my boyfriend asked me to stop contacting him after an argument we had about our career ambitions. I have no idea what is or was going through his mind, but the phrase, “No Contact” kept coming to my mind.
Now, I’ll be perfectly honest. I don’t understand what the point of the “No Contact Rule” is. Is it to heal? Is it to get back together with your significant other? Or, is it to completely sever all ties?
Frankly, my friends and I all regard his unwillingness to communicate as childish. I mentioned the possibility that he was going “No Contact” to my friends, who each have had their fair share of relationships, and none of them had ever heard of such a thing in a relationship between two adults.
The situation got me thinking about my first breakup, which was with a guy I had dated for a year, sometime prior. There were no hard feelings in that breakup. We realized we weren’t compatible, and so we stopped dating. We started doing our own things, each dating other individuals. But, we were still friends. We would still talk when the other was down, lend relationship advice, and help the other to understand the opposite sex, or help the other just as friends would.
After this went on for a while, we considered dating again, but we rationally thought it through and decided it was best if we just remained friends.
It is my firm belief that neither of us left with any hard feelings — that from gauging my own feelings, from my assessment of his reactions, and from talking to his brother some time after.
It seemed to me (and indeed, it still does seem) that this was the natural way for a relationship to end. This most recent relationship, which has ended with my new ex-boyfriend completely unwilling to communicate with me, I find very difficult to accept. Sure, I have moved on. To be completely honest, his ostensible lack of maturity — as evidenced by his unwillingness to communicate — has made it much easier. But, it is somewhat unsettling that he could “flip a switch”, so-to-speak, and just discard our feelings so quickly.
In all honesty, the first thing I felt after he went “No Contact” was a yearning to mend the situation. But, that faded quickly, once I realized that our relationship was so quickly made devoid of basic communication — an integral part of a healthy relationship, in my humble opinion. I have heard others say that the “No Contact Rule” is a way to end game-playing. But to me, it seems like itself a game.
Can someone please help me by explaining the “No Contact Rule”, and/or commenting on my perspective?
Sure thing. The 2 most common questions that people ask themselves when they’ve broken up is: what is the no contact rule and how long should I wait before making contact with my ex.
As you read through this article you’ll learn:
- How to leverage the no contact rule so that it benefits you
- What goes through his mind during the no contact phase…and
- How long to use the no contact rule
It’s not rocket science to understand that the communication aspect after a break up is critical and can make it or break it depending on what you do.
The things you do, the things you say, what you do around him in the immediate hours, days and weeks after the breakup will set the tone for how he views you. Mess this up and your chances of getting back together will go down dramatically, so you need to be very careful when you make your next move.
Having said that, the things you do and say aren’t nearly as important as the amount of contact you make. Don’t be surprised if the communication between you two dries up, this is totally normal after a breakup. What’s not normal is keeping the lines of communication and contact open so that you can hang on to your ex. This will only complicate your situation and it could even drive him further away, and that’s not what you want to do.
In short, the more you try and hang on to the relationship, the worse off it is for you. It ends up being counterproductive and accomplishes the exact opposite of what you want when you’re trying to figure out how to get your ex boyfriend back.
It’s important for you to understand that letting him go is really the first step to getting him back. Reconciliation between you two can only begin once you’ve accepted the break up. And until you come to that realization, any and all attempts to contact your boyfriend will backfire and be met with resistance, not open arms.
You need to come to terms with your relationship and accept that it’s over. The reason for doing this is so you’re no longer spending your time fixing something that’s broken. And this is important to your ex boyfriend. Why? Because until you do this, he’ll avoid you every chance he gets. He’s not about to come around and start talking to you if he still thinks your only goal is to get back together.
You’ve got to make it look like you’ve moved on from him. There are a couple of ways of doing this if your ex doesn’t seem interested in you or you’re not totally over him.
This next part is very important so pay attention. The further away you remove yourself from the situation, the greater his reaction and surprise will be. This is primarily because withdrawal and detachment is not what your boyfriend expected from you at this point in time. He broke up with you and expected that you’d go out kicking and screaming, begging for another chance, so he’s looking for you to put up a fight.
How to Get Your Ex Boyfriend Back By Leveraging the No Contact Rule
Breaking off all contact with your ex boyfriend is the fastest and simplest way to get him to notice you again. However for many women this is the hardest thing to do. In many cases when couples fail to get back together it’s because someone broke the no contact rule. Violating the no contact rule on your part always leads to the following scenario in your ex’s head:
“I can’t believe how desperate she is. It’s clear she needs me more than I need her. Why would I want to date someone like that again?”
Coming off as desperate and needy will make your boyfriend lose any respect he had for you. As soon as he realizes you’d do just about anything to get back with him is the same time he puts you in a different category all together: girls who are easy.
I know no contact is hard. You go from calling, texting and talking to someone every day to not speaking or calling that person at all. The transition isn’t going to be smooth and it’s going to really make you miss your ex boyfriend. But guess what? You’re ex is going to miss you too.
Keep in mind that although he broke up with you suddenly, he was looking for a gradual withdrawal. He was fully expecting to hear from you and look over his shoulder and see you chasing him and begging to take him back. In essence, this allows him to exploit the break up. There’s no rush for him to let you go because he knows there’s a part of you that is still in love with him.
As you can see this comforts him. It’s easier for him to break up with you because he’s able to keep an eye on you and who you’re with. By hanging around and staying in his life, your ex is then fully aware of everything you’re doing. And the best part for his is that he knows he can have you back when he wants. He’s holding all the cards and the deck is stacked in his favor.
How to Get Your Ex Boyfriend Back By Using the No Contact Rule
Stand your ground when it comes to the no contact rule. As mentioned before this includes email, texting, phoning your ex as well as no visual contact. No communication, no talking, no exceptions.
Don’t be surprised if your ex calls you in the early stages of the break up. You need to be strong and refuse this early contact, as much as you’d love to talk to him and hear his voice. Remember, the deck is stacked against you.
In order to help you through the initial no contact stages, you might need to unplug from the digital world. Stop charging your cell phone. Avoid checking email, texts and voicemail. Are you always on the computer? Then say goodbye to Facebook, Twitter and other social networking sites for a while.
By ditching the electronic anchors, you turn the tables on your ex boyfriend and put yourself in a position of power. Staying plugged in will only tempt you to check up on your ex, and your goal here is the opposite. You want your ex checking up on you!
You might not believe it, but shutting down the lines of communication will rattle your ex. Even though he told you not to contact him, the reality is that he wants to hear from you one way or another.
Look at it from this angle: knowing that you’re still in hot pursuit of him gives your ex the nice feeling that he’s desired. But after you stop focusing your attention on him his ego will be shot. He’s got to face the reality of the situation and entertain the possibility that he’s not the center of your world, which is something he never did when you were chasing him.
Here’s a quick look inside a guys mind:
“How your ex girlfriend handles the break up speaks volumes about her. Being with someone who won’t leave you alone is annoying, but someone who waits by the phone can be just as bad.”
“The thing that really gets me to second guess a break up is when she moves on and starts doing her own thing. It’s a lot easier to think about getting back together when she doesn’t dwell on the past. Confidence and independence are sexy and that’s when I start to wonder if I had something great.”
As you can probably see, dropping off the radar creates a huge void for your ex. He’s lost the benefit of seeing you causally and being “just friends”. When you take yourself right out of the picture, your ex starts to miss you like crazy immediately. And this, more than anything, speeds up the process for getting back together. You’ll never get back with your ex boyfriend until he misses you again.
How to Get Your Ex Boyfriend Back By Saying No to Just Friends
It’s impossible to keep the no contact rule if you and your ex are still seeing each other as friends. But you know what? You shouldn’t be friends with him in the first place if you want to date him again.
Learning how to get your boyfriend back is hard, but understand that friendship is not the answer. It’s not going to bring you any closer to him; in fact, it will drive a wedge between you two and push you further apart romantically. Friendship with your ex boyfriend is a myth, and in most cases both sides wind up hurt and bitter in the end.
How Long Should You Keep Up No Contact?
This is the most commonly asked question. Even though every break up is different, there are some ground rules you need to follow when it comes to contact with your ex. In most cases, a period of about six weeks will do it.
The six week timeline is long enough to let the dust settle and the healing begin. Any hurt or bitter feelings on both sides will have gone away by this point. Also smaller issues that lead to the break up will be forgotten, so you’ll only have to worry about the more important ones.
Most importantly of all, the six week time period gives your ex some serious time to miss you! Don’t be surprised if he calls you before the six week period is up, but if he hasn’t, don’t worry. He’ll be more open to hearing from you after cutting off communication for so long.
And what’s more, since you haven’t contacted him? He won’t second guess your motives. It makes talking to you much easier and enjoyable because you haven’t been pressuring him 24/7 to get back together.
The key to get your ex boyfriend back involves doing the right things at the right time. You can’t expect to get him back without a plan anymore than you can expect to drive a car without a steering wheel and now that you understand what the no contact rule is, how to use it to your advantage and what goes through your ex boyfriend’s mind during this phase.. the next move is up to YOU!